Reflection

 I thought it was time to reflect back on my year. It has been a journey of alot of learning and I'm glad i hung on to see better things.

At the beginning of the year i had a mental health crisis. It was due to coming off anti depressants and starting back on my original one. However my body didn't seem to like it and sent me into a spiral of negative thoughts. My lowest moment was feeling suicidal and told to go to a and e. They couldn't help me there and my gp wouldn't see my until a couple of days later. Those were the longest days of my life. I begged the doctor to switch medications and then he referred me to the mental health service.

They wrote me a letter and declined to see me because i started this new 'miracle' medication. I begged for help and there was noone there. The people that should of helped me didn't. 

Luckily my new medication worked and i stopped another med which could of bern interfering. I've been mentally well ever since.

My year didn't really start until june, I don't remember much of the start of the year except for the mental health volunteers who I would ring at 5am because I wasn't sleeping. I also went to my local mind which is a mental health charity and have been doing a couple of their courses to leatn how to deal with my mood if it happens again.

Once i got my mental health sorted, it was time to deal with my nerve pain. I had to see a pain management specialist privately because the doctors were just giving me meds I couldn't even get physio. I ended up having nerve block injections in my spine which lasted a few months. My next step is to get the nerves burned. Hoping this will give me longer relief.

I've spent alot of the year really learning about myself and pain. Part of me thinks I haven't achieved anything but i survived and I didn't think I'd be here now.

Next year I really want to get fitter after spending three years not doing much exercise due to pain. I'm getting a new manual wheelchair so i want to build the strength up to push it.

So I just wanted to say I hope you all have a lovely Christmas wherever you are and how you spend it. I know it can be a difficult time of year x

On the Up

 Since my last post , things have improved massively.

I'm nearly 4 weeks on my new antidepressants and I've started living again. I remember that first week i went to see someone from the local charity MIND. i had nowhere else to turn as the mental health services had turned me down because of being on a new medication.

I went into the crisis cafe after realising there was no quick fix. Luckily i saw a lovely man who listened through my cries. I will be forever grateful to him in my time of need. He talked me through setting small goals everyday and i also applied for one of the courses they do.

I few days later, i came off another of my medications as it was possibly interefering with my medication. By luck I've been mentally quite well since.

Sadly I haven't heard a word from my gp. I was in a very dark place when i spoke to him and switched medication. No follow up to see how I'm doing. It's all very well talking about mental health but there's just not the services to help. I'm incredibly lucky to have supportive family and friends or I wouldn't be here.

I'm back in my craftroom and have been out abit with mum. Something I haven't done since last year. 

I still see my consellor who i have to pay for privately because i go through stages of grief with my other illnesses. I have Ehlers danlos syndrome and other conditions. I get frustrated that I can't stay awake all day and feel guilt that I'm unable to work. I go through stages of acceptance and stages of mourning what life could of been like.

Anyway enough of my chatting.Here's some embroidery I've been working on. I didn't get it finished in time for easter but like to think I'm doing it early for next easter 😂 It's helped me through alot of my mental health struggles x 

Unscramble my brain

 I thought I'd update my blog to get my thoughts out or rather unscramble my brain.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of suicidal thoughts

I don't really know what to write or where to start. So i will just write as my thoughts come. Last week and  for a few weeks prior my mental health hit rock bottom. I've suffered with mental health issues my whole life and it seems to be genetic. It was mostly under control with medication.

I changed medication in late 2020 due to chronic pain issues. This new one was supposed to help with that and depression. It took a while to get the dosage right or rather i never got it right. I was never far from my bed, which was more than usual.

I decided enough was enough in january when i just wasn't functioning as i was asleep all the time. I decided to stop taking them ( not advisable) but i was on the lowest dose. I lasted about 3 weeks until i had to go back on my previous medication. It worked for about 2 weeks then i was met with crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts. The doctor upped the medication and i lasted 6 weeks. Again great at first but slowly i was sleeping more and more. But now it was depression setting in and i didnt want to do anything.

Then the panic started, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep. I was pacing the house in my wheelchair. It ended up with me researching suicide methods for days on end. I was in a very desperate place. 

Luckily my friend took me to a and e who weren't a great help but they listened and tried to get my gp appointment sooner. My gp sadly wouldnt see my until two days later. Luckily theres a telephone support for mental health so I'd be ringing them at 5am just to talk to someone. 

My gp changed my medication after abit of reluctance. I have now been on it for 7 days. Its been a very long 7 days. I  have so many worries, what if it doesn't work, who will i become. My whole routine has changed because I'm no longer asleep. I don't have a routine. 

I'm writing this blog to explore ways of trying to find myself again, finding what i love again and how to live x 

Handmade bag and tutorial link

I've recently got back into sewing again and thought I'd show you what I've been making. My fabric stash is overflowing and I really wanted to put it to good use. I found some fabric that I'd brought ages ago and decided to make my first handmade bag. 

The bag is supposed to have side pockets but i ran out of fabric so I didn't put them on. It was quite easy to making considering it was my first bag. Here is the link to the tutorial by debbie shore x 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDN6B9ro9ns

Very late rehab update

Wow the world has gone abit mad since the last time i posted. Yet again i was meaning to update but it took me a while to recover from rehab.

So rewind back to the 10th feb. I arrived at rehab to do my three week stay. It had taken alot for me to get there and be mentally prepared. I was then told i was only supposed to be there for one week instead of three weeks it said on my letter. A lady had marked the wrong stay on my letter. She did apologise but as you can imagine i was devastated. My week was for an assessment to see if I could do the three week programme.

However i was determined to get as much out of it as i could.i was very lucky in that ive previously done the 3 week course. My stay was tailored to my needs which was fantastic. I'll see if i can remember what i did 😂

Unfortunately breakfast was at 7.15am. I think the lights went on at 6.30am. Yikes. It was strange as we didn't need to be anywhere until 9am. So off we all went to a physio room where we had mindful movement. I nicknamed it stressful movement because it was a combination of someone talking, moving the body and listening to music. I have the most uncoordinated brain so this was rather confusing.

Next was physio or o.t. We worked either in the gym or going through how to pace during the day. When i first saw my o.t and physio I explained my main issue is sheer exhaustion. The physio then suggested discussing it with the phycologist as with pain, alot of people don't do things because of being afraid of it. I've always been the opposite and will fight it every step of the way and try and do things despite this. I saw the phycologist and she was so nice and congratulated me on doing so well and thinks i should do motivational talks 😂 mmm maybe not.

Anyway back to my schedule. We had lessons on posture support, smoking- I don't smoke, wellbeing and i forget the others. We also had recreational activity where we went in the gym hall and played badminton and table tennis.

By Wednesday i was totally done, I'd given it might all so was counting down the days to go home. 

I had a meeting on the thursday with my o.t and physio . They said and i agreed that it's just to much for my body to do the three week course. I was just getting more and more unwell as the days went on. I learnt so much though and continue to put into practice what i learnt. 

It was weird seeing other people with the same condition but we have different symptoms. Most people's main issue is chronic pain but mine is exhaustion,which means I'm only awake for a certain amount of hours during the day. I made me accept that this is me and work with it instead of against it. I'm grateful i can still do things , it just takes alittle longer. 

On another note, i learnt to use procreate on my ipad in rehab 😂 these are the designs i did. Sorry its a long post x 

The start of my journey

Lying here on the ward in rehab, I reflect on my first day. My mind whirls and is overwhelmed with information, possibilities and hope.

My stay didn't start as I had hoped. My letter said I was here for three weeks but it was a mistake and I'm only here for one week. The hope of trying to change my life dwindled in that second, the second I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I could of completely given up in that very moment but I've fought to hard to stop trying. Ok so I won't be here for three weeks but I'm incredibly lucky to have another chance. I can see the negative or the positive. I chose the positives.

My one week has been tailored to me. I will learn how to pace with my condition so i stop wearing myself out, learn new exercises and i will have the input of a health phycologist. I've been searching for one for years but they don't have them in my area.

So now as i close my eyes to sleep and the day descends in to darkness, i will wake tomorrow to start a new page of my journey.

Chronic illness acceptance

Today I had a reality check. It's time to stop searching for a magic pill to cure my chronic illnesses and accept them as what they are.

I didn't realise that I haven't been coping for a while since I'd tried some new medication. Mum came to the rescue today as my brain was so foggy that i just couldn't figure out how to have a shower.

I've fort my conditions for years but what I haven't done is accept them. This is key to any chronic illness. You have to work with it or it will bite back 10 times worse. 

Although my daily quality of life isn't what i want it to be, i only realise that its actually not to bad after I've tried a new medication that wrecks my brain and body. I'm always chasing a new treatment to help my fatigue and allow to me be 'normal' but the grass isn't always greener. 

So after 16 years it's now time to work with what i have. I was basically born with chronic fatigue so it's something i will never not have. Although my consultant is hopefully going to test me for sleep apnea as it's common in Ehler's Danlos syndrome.

Next week i embark on a new adventure. I'm off to rehab at Stanmore for three weeks. I did the course previously about 4 years ago but it just wasn't the right time for me. This time I'm ready to get the most out of it.

I found it very demanding before as its a busy schedule with lectures, physio, swimming and phycologist so I will just have to take rests when i can. Last time i had to skip a few classes so i could  rest.

My goals are also different this time. I'm not going there to walk learn to walk again. This is a massive thing for me as doctors in previous years have seen it as priority, although I've only ever been told my best hope is to stand. I had a chat with the physio that i saw last year and I'd burnt myself out because i thought i had to learn to walk again. It was actually pressure from other people that i had that in my head. The physio said one thing that changed my perception' you can live a perfectly normal life from a wheelchair. ' From then on my priorities changed.

I have these conditions but i want to be the strongest i can to hopefully help the fatigue and pain as we need our muscles to take over from ligaments. I will never been bodybuilder strong but i can be strong within my own limitations. I also want to learn pacing techniques as I'm always in the boom and bust cycle which is more busted at the moment. My next goal of acceptance is to also accept that it's ok to put myself first rather than trying to please other people. I also need to stop striving for the life i once wanted. I can still enjoy life it will just be different path and that's ok with me.

Sorry this turned into a rather long post.

Have a good week everybody.

Love Hayley 

Me, myself and i

I'm laying in bed this evening with tears streaming down my face. 

I type various word combinations into google looking for help, something to take the suffering away, to find answers, to find a purpose.

You see living with chronic illness doesn't come with a manual on how to cope, how to grieve the loss of your past life, but the grief changes day to day as you realise somethings you could do a week ago you can no longer do.

What is my purpose I ask. What do i give to society. 

I realised today that doctors aren't going to cure me. I thought i had stopped hoping but as i sat crying in my gastro doctors office, i became apparent that this is probably it. 

Only i can help myself now, but how do i do that while feeling so unwell.

Maybe it would be better for my mental health to accept the here and now and stop searching, because when my mind is on the future, I'm missing the now.

One day i hope there will be medical psychologist to help people learn how to cope. But for now it's just me, myself and i.

Long overdue update

Gosh I didn't realise how long it had been since I updated my blog. Last year was really tough mentally and physically but I'm still here. There were times I didn't think I would be or even wanted to be.

The end of last year things got abit better. I managed to get my new electric wheelchair which has made life alot easier. Just a recap for people that don't know me. I have ehlers danlos syndone, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, gastroparesis, spinal issues and exhaustion which is beyond exhaustion. I've been a fulltime wheelchair user for nearly 8 years now. Wow it's gone so quick.

My electric wheelchair broke early last year and through people's generosity i managed to get a new chair. It has a tilt on it as i have blood pressure issues and it helps to tilt backwards. Also i have a riser on it so i can now reach my kitchen cupboards 😂 Massive Thankyou to everyone that has donated.

I didn't want to write to much in this post so I'll do another update soon. Hopefully not in 7 months time 😂 

Love Hayley x

The power of gratitude and fighting back

I'm still here, still fighting and much happier.

My antidepressants are working and I'm really rather content. Grateful that i got through the dark times, grateful for the support received.

On reflection i realised why things got bad. I burnt myself out. I had hospital appointments most days so wasn't getting adequate rest. I was trying to be 'normal '. Well if other people can do it, so can i. The reality is I cannot do it. I live a quiet life for a reason and that is so i can manage my condition and use what little energy i have on things i enjoy.

Now this brings me onto my next reflection. Gratitude.

Last Friday i attended a gratitude workshop. Its run by the council for mental health. I wasn't sure what to expect but it really changed my perception on life. I've been dragging myself through the days, hoping for something better tomorrow, without appreciating what i have in this moment. 

So here is a list of things i am grateful for :

1. I'm incredibly grateful for antidepressants being made. There is no shame to admit it. They have given me a life when i was in the midst of despair and not seeing a way out.

2. I'm grateful to the changingminds service on the nhs who helped me with cbt.

3. i'm hugely grateful for people who have donated or shared my gofundme me page. I cry every time at the incredible generosity  of people. Many i have never met. So thankyou from the bottom of my heart

4. I'm grateful i could hear the birds singing and see the sun shining 

5. I'm grateful that despite living a slower life, i get to watch the plants grow, people smile, the clouds in the sky and my cat playing in the garden.

These are just a few things i am grateful for. What are you grateful for today ?

Before i go i thought I would share a picture of mia helping me plant seeds, or rather just wanting fuss 😂 

I hope you all have a lovely day x

The spiral of hell

My mood improved for a few weeks after restarting my antidepressants. Sadly it seems to be spiralling downwards again. I've decided to up the dose to what i was on before I stopped taking them. Praying it helps.

I'm just so so tired. Tired of living. Tired of the chronic pain. Tired of fighting. I drag myself through everyday hoping tomorrow will be better. That hope never arrives....

Can I really put myself out there

That is the question I ask myself. Can I really put myself out there? The side of me that I desperately try to hide so that I'm not judged, or even worse, pitied.

Let me elaborate. Since i updated you on my last post, i have been feeling better everyday. I'm ready to start living life again but there is only one problem. My electric wheelchair decided to die. Rip. Without it i'm abit stuck. Unfortunately my bungalow is situated on a steep incline, so i cannot push my manual wheelchair up or down, i can't even push my wheelchair very far without help. This means I'm now back to relying more on my carers and friends just to even go to the shop.

Sadly I cannot afford to replace my electric wheelchair , so after much consideration i set up a gofundmepage. Now i'm quite a private person (ok you might not think it according to my blog posts)  but in real life I don't actually talk in depth about how my illness affects me. I always want to be treated as a person who just happens to be sitting down.

By not talking about it much ,it gives me the illusion that all is ok and I'm relatively normal. However it has its drawbacks. People assume your ok, you can cope. You eventually burn yourself out try to live up to this false reality. So where do you draw the line from people understanding your limitations to wanting to appear normal.

This is the dilemma i have at the moment. To enable me to fundraise for my page, i have to put myself out there. The raw, vulnerable me. The me that had hopes and dreams before my conditions took them away and I'm terrified. Terrified of peoples reactions, 'what will they think of me', what if they think I don't deserve a new chair', 'will the whole village be gossiping about me', 'will i be scrutinised for every movement i make'.

Although my original hopes and dreams are a distant memory, i long to make new ones, to meet to people, to continue my journey. Just in a different way and hopefully with a new wheelchair i can do just that x

https://www.gofundme.com/hayley039s-wheelchair-fund

MENTAL HEALTH AND ME

I didn't realise how long it's been since I last posted. I think i got worried that I didn't have anything interesting to say or if people even read my blog. Anyway today I'm going to cover a topic that is affecting my daily life at the moment. Mental health.


Disclaimer: This post discusses suicidal tendencies, so please don't read if easily distressed.




I've suffered with anxiety and depression most of my life and was first prescribed antidepressants at 17. I was going through a difficult time at college and then struggled with full time employment. My colleagues thought I was lazy and miserable and I just couldn't keep up. Little did I know I had my genetic condition Ehlers Danlos Syndrome then but I got diagnosed late. Life might have been different otherwise. It took a few years of dark times to find the right antidepressants. After that I was relatively stable, just having a few blips along the way like everybody does.

Fast forward 14 years to now. It's been six months of hell that I hope I never have to go through again. It started with a uti or three, trips to a and e for other conditions and a downwards spiral ensued. It seems the meds I was on were interfering with my antidepressants. My life crumbled around me and I had to move in with my parents as I couldn't cope at home. Each day was filled with sheer panic. Like a brick came down in front of me and I couldn't break it down. I couldn't get in the shower, my mind would panic, I couldn't tidy the house and I couldn't go outside. Things I loved to do I know longer could. No more watching a tv programme, read a book, craft or go on the computer. 

Anxiety is like your body is running terrified from a bear. Your brain doesn't shut down to concentrate, your body doesn't relax to sleep. Everyday I wished I was dead. Every night I wished I didn't wake up in the morning. I had alot of terrible thoughts going through my head on how to end my life. 

I decided to come of my antidepressants for a few weeks because I didn't understand why my mental health was so bad, why stay on them if they weren't working. I soon realised that they did work my moods became even more erratic, so i went back on them. Its been over a week now and I'm already feeling better. Bit by bit I'm piecing my life back together. I have to carry on. I have to climb back up the ladder. With the help of my therapist I am learning to cope. I still have days of panic and I've learned to focus on my breathing, or count to ten. This stops my mind from going into overdrive. 

The other day I had a pile of clothes to sort. My brain panicked and said I just can't do it, so I left it. This created a vicious cycle of anxiety all day, worrying that I can't do it. I eventually did do it and I got so engrossed in the task that i tidied my whole bedroom. I've also started to exercise again (yes you can exercise in a wheelchair) something that used to fill me with joy but i began to dread it. Just venturing out into the garden and listening to the birds relaxes me. I also write down one task a day to do, even if it's just putting some books away. It was hard focusing on it at first but by breaking down tasks I don't feel so overwhelmed. Also by writing the tasks down ,I can see how much i have achieved at the end of the week.

Slowly hour by hour i make it through another day and for that i am proud x 

Homemade Chutney and recipe link

Today I decided to make some chutney with my carer. I've never been brave enough before but thought why not. I had loads of green tomatoes in the garden and felt quite sad picking them all but at least they got used. It made a lovely distraction from health stuff. I was in hospital this week with dehydration but the doctors still can't help me pain wise. I've begged and begged. Just got to carry on.

Anyway here is the recipe for the chutney if you want to have a go yourself. 

https://www.bbc.com/food/recipes/green_tomato_chutney_41573

  

Enjoy x 

Baking day and recipe link

Today I had abit more energy so I thought I would do some baking. Unfortunately I don't eat any of the things I bake because of my gastroparesis and newly diagnosed gastritis so it all goes to my parents.

Here's the Victoria sponge cake I made. The recipe I use is from http://shewhobakes.co.uk/recipes/vanilla-cupcakes/ it's originally for cupcakes but I decided to make one big cake. It turns out really well and so so moist. My family love it. It's now my go to recipe.

Next up was home made bread. Because I don't have much strength in my hands, I use my kenwood mixer with dough hook.I searched everywhere online for a decent recipe and found this one. I just used different flour.
http://www.kenwoodworld.com/uk/cooking-with-kenwood/recipes/kitchen-machines-recipes/km030-km040-timer-recipes/basic-white-bread
In the photo is also my homegrown veg. I adore watching it grow. Tastes much better than shop brought.

I hope these links are of some use and you make some wonderful cakes

Love hayley x 

Gastroparesis and me

Imagine never being able to eat a meal. Those chips you love or the pizza you used to look forward to are now a distant memory. You suffer severe nausea with one bite of food, it’s agony when it hits your stomach. You are so full up after one mouthful that you feel you’ve eaten a three course dinner. You can no longer drink a whole glass of water. Never again being able to have a meal out or enjoy drinks with friends.



Gastroparesis according to the nhs website - Gastroparesis is a long-term (chronic) condition where the stomach can't empty itself in the normal way. Food passes through the stomach more slowly than usual.

It's thought to be the result of a problem with the nerves and muscles controlling the emptying of the stomach. 

If these nerves are damaged, the muscles of your stomach may not work properly and the movement of food can slow down.

My journey with gastroparesis began about 4 years ago. Although I had symptoms on and off for a few years before. I think it was about October time and I ate a huge biscuit in a cafe in a supermarket. Straight away I was in agony  in my stomach and I struggled to eat from that day on. It took me about 15 months to get a diagnosis in London. Mine is caused by Ehlers Danlos  syndrome.I’d tried every medication there was and my weight plummeted. In July 2015 I received my first feeding tube. Before I got it I had to go on Tpn ( a central line placed in the neck delivery nutrients into the blood) as apparently I was to weak to survive the operation. This is me the day of my surgery. Paper knickers make a great hat.

I was ok for about two months on tube feeds but then it started to become really painful. Found out after being sent to see psychologists that it was caused by my very slow bowel.My weight plummeted again. I was convinced I was dying and put my affairs in order.I then started Tpn in November 2016. I did well on tpn. It’s a major change from tube feeds as everything has to be sterile.

This was me last June 

 Three months in, I got my first infection in my picc line and blood clot. I then had a Hickman line which I accidentally pulled out with my wheelchair. My second Hickman line got mrsa and then I had sepsis and my third Hickman line got a staph infection. 

Last November I decided not to have a new Hickman line put in because I was spending so much time in hospital. It was a tough decision to make as I didn’t know how I’d survive. I got given calorie milkshakes and saw the gastro about every three months. Sadly when you come off tube feeds or tpn , the support ends. There was no one I called call if I wasn’t managing to get the calories in.

Fast forward to about March this year. I’ve been having unbearable stomach pain. I was going back and forth to the gp who just kept giving me different painkillers. Eventually one doctor decided to do a calprotectin stool test. This is a test for inflammation seen in Crohn’s disease. My came back high and I was referred for an urgent colonoscopy. That colonoscopy turned into just a plain X-

ray by the inflammatory bowel disease nurse. She said see you in three months. I saw my gastro in the meantime who dismissed my test result but said he’d order an ultrasound if my local didn’t do it. My mum rang to ask them to book it. I have no date. I went back to the gp begging for help. More painkillers that didn’t work. My weight plummeting. Agony unbearable. 

Last Sunday was the final straw and I went to a &e. I never ever go unless desperate as I have a fear of hospitals now. I went through 3 different people to tell them why I was there and eventually saw a doctor. She did bloods and urine sample and gave me painkillers. When you have a complex condition there is no where to turn. She said to come back to a special gp clinic yesterday to see a gastro. I thought finally someone might listen. I hadn’t eaten or drank for 48 hours. 

Before I went I wrote down why I was there, a brief history, diagnosis and medication. My blood sugar was very low by then and I had glucose to drink but couldn’t drink it.I saw a med student first then a doctor. A patronising doctor may I add. Said they won’t do scans as I’m young and radiation is bad. I ask if it could be gallbladder but he said it’s probably just my condition. I think I’m allowed to have something wrong that entirely not related to my condition. I had given up asking for help. Luckily he called the emergency gastro. He was nice and actually gave me a painkiller that works. I was painfree for a couple of hours last night and ate a tiny bit. Sadly I have to ration myself and I’m only able to eat a little if I take one in the evening. The doctor book me for an emergency colonoscopy and ultrasound.

I think this is the toughest fight at the moment. I don’t sleep much due to pain. I’m rarely able to eat or drink. Not sure how my body is still going. It could be down to my existing conditions but I want other things ruled out first. I could go back on tpn but it’s not going to solve the problem. I’m still going to have no quality of life. I spend my days in bed as it gets to painful to sit in my wheelchair for long. I’m horribly thin. The lowest weight I’ve ever been. I don’t sleep much due to pain. I just have to sit and wait.

Gardening from a wheelchair

A few years ago my carer emigrated to Australia. Before she went she gave me her tomato plants. This is where my love of gardening and growing vegetables began.

Gardening is hard enough for the able-bodied person but when you're in a wheelchair you can come up against quite a few obstacles.

This is why I thought I’d write a post about the things I've found helpful. Lots of photos included, sorry.

In an ideal world I would have an allotment, but I don't think it's practical with a wheelchair, so I  brought the allotment to my garden.

First I bought a grow table from my local gardening centre. It's made by a company called Ehlo. This allows me to have easy access to whatever I'm growing in there.

   

I also brought two big wooden planters from a company called zest4leisure. I really love these as they are so sturdy. I tend to grow carrots and potatoes in these because they are so deep.

   

Let me introduce you to my potting shed too deep for me aren't into so I bought this little lean-to shed. I've used shoe racks as shelves as it means I can move them where I like. Please excuse the mess. I'm currently sorting it out.

   

  

If your into growing your own veg then you might want a greenhouse. I saw a beautiful wooden one that i really would of liked but it was huge and i wouldn't of been able to reach the shelves at the top. So i decided on this one.I also wanted glass doors but its not practical when i would probably run into it with my wheelchair and smash it. This one suits me just fine. It wasnt to expensive and is quite sturdy.Its also the perfect height for me.

   

Oh i cant forgot to tell you about pots. Yes i have loads. You can grow all your veg in them if you have a small garden and can be moved anywhere you like. Just remember to buy ones with holes in the bottom or drill them in.I found that out the hard way when my plants drowned. 

                   

My gardener told me about this little gadget. It attaches to the wall from a bracket and its a pully system. It means if you have a hanging basket you can pull it down to water it at your level and then it springs back up.

 

And lastly and most importantly, an accessible garden. Obvious i know. Not long ago my garden was all grass.Wheelchairs and wet grass do not mix, so i was coming into the house with muddy wheels. I was also not using the garden as i wanted to.So I decided enough was enough and decided to start paving it. I can now get along to my plants at the bottom and all the way around. Its not finished yet as im going to pave abit more of it.

I hope you've enjoyed reading this post and have maybe got some inspiration x

Handmade bunny and stitched cards

I have lots of nieces and nephews to buy gifts for but it’s coming to the point that I dread buying them. They have sooo many toys that I feel mine just get lost amongst the others.

So this year I decided to make them something instead of buying. I have a craftroom full of fabric that needs using up and I wanted a gift that was more personal.

I found this bunny pattern in one of my books and thought it would be perfect for my nephews second birthday. Apparently he loved it. I also made an elephant for my niece but he wasn’t very photogenic.

Next I thought I’d make some stitched birthday cards. May aswell use some more fabric up. Not that I enjoy it or anything hehe.

I’ve run out of energy at the moment but hopefully I’ll be back crafting again soon and won’t leave it so long to update my blog x 

Cupcake bouquet and class link

Last year I became interested in cake decorating. Well cupcake decorating to be more specific. I think it started when I went to center parcs and took a class their.

After browsing the internet or rather spending hours on Pinterest, I came across a cupcake bouquet class run by Shelly baker. I learnt so much from the class which is all online and here are the bouquets I made and the website link http://www.mrsbakerscakes.co.uk

     

   

     

I’m excited to try more piping techniques, so watch this space x 

I’m back and happy new year

i haven’t felt up to blogging lately and I’m not even sure anyone reads it. 

I’m finding things difficult mentally at the moment and I thought writing my thoughts down here might help. It’s been hard adjusting to life with no tubes. I mean I should be thrilled but it’s not an easy adjustment after having one for about 3 years. 

So far as you can see I’m still alive. There are a lot of days that I just can’t carry on, so I have to get through hour by hour.

I’m trying to turn things into a positive an to start living again and do things that are way out of my comfort zone. One of which was to catch a bus.

This has been my goal for about a year. I’ve been in a wheelchair for six years but never been on a bus in my chair. So today was the today. I had a friend with me so I couldn’t back out. We only went into town but to me it was a massive accomplishment and so glad I did it. The thought of doing it was worse than actually doing it.

I won’t give up fighting , it’s just going to take a while.

So I will leave you with a picture of a very cute squirrel I took at center parcs. X