Can I really put myself out there

That is the question I ask myself. Can I really put myself out there? The side of me that I desperately try to hide so that I'm not judged, or even worse, pitied.

Let me elaborate. Since i updated you on my last post, i have been feeling better everyday. I'm ready to start living life again but there is only one problem. My electric wheelchair decided to die. Rip. Without it i'm abit stuck. Unfortunately my bungalow is situated on a steep incline, so i cannot push my manual wheelchair up or down, i can't even push my wheelchair very far without help. This means I'm now back to relying more on my carers and friends just to even go to the shop.

Sadly I cannot afford to replace my electric wheelchair , so after much consideration i set up a gofundmepage. Now i'm quite a private person (ok you might not think it according to my blog posts)  but in real life I don't actually talk in depth about how my illness affects me. I always want to be treated as a person who just happens to be sitting down.

By not talking about it much ,it gives me the illusion that all is ok and I'm relatively normal. However it has its drawbacks. People assume your ok, you can cope. You eventually burn yourself out try to live up to this false reality. So where do you draw the line from people understanding your limitations to wanting to appear normal.

This is the dilemma i have at the moment. To enable me to fundraise for my page, i have to put myself out there. The raw, vulnerable me. The me that had hopes and dreams before my conditions took them away and I'm terrified. Terrified of peoples reactions, 'what will they think of me', what if they think I don't deserve a new chair', 'will the whole village be gossiping about me', 'will i be scrutinised for every movement i make'.

Although my original hopes and dreams are a distant memory, i long to make new ones, to meet to people, to continue my journey. Just in a different way and hopefully with a new wheelchair i can do just that x

https://www.gofundme.com/hayley039s-wheelchair-fund