Wednesday, 11 May 2022

Unscramble my brain

 I thought I'd update my blog to get my thoughts out or rather unscramble my brain.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of suicidal thoughts

I don't really know what to write or where to start. So i will just write as my thoughts come. Last week and  for a few weeks prior my mental health hit rock bottom. I've suffered with mental health issues my whole life and it seems to be genetic. It was mostly under control with medication.

I changed medication in late 2020 due to chronic pain issues. This new one was supposed to help with that and depression. It took a while to get the dosage right or rather i never got it right. I was never far from my bed, which was more than usual.

I decided enough was enough in january when i just wasn't functioning as i was asleep all the time. I decided to stop taking them ( not advisable) but i was on the lowest dose. I lasted about 3 weeks until i had to go back on my previous medication. It worked for about 2 weeks then i was met with crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts. The doctor upped the medication and i lasted 6 weeks. Again great at first but slowly i was sleeping more and more. But now it was depression setting in and i didnt want to do anything.

Then the panic started, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep. I was pacing the house in my wheelchair. It ended up with me researching suicide methods for days on end. I was in a very desperate place. 

Luckily my friend took me to a and e who weren't a great help but they listened and tried to get my gp appointment sooner. My gp sadly wouldnt see my until two days later. Luckily theres a telephone support for mental health so I'd be ringing them at 5am just to talk to someone. 

My gp changed my medication after abit of reluctance. I have now been on it for 7 days. Its been a very long 7 days. I  have so many worries, what if it doesn't work, who will i become. My whole routine has changed because I'm no longer asleep. I don't have a routine. 

I'm writing this blog to explore ways of trying to find myself again, finding what i love again and how to live x 

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