Reflection

 I thought it was time to reflect back on my year. It has been a journey of alot of learning and I'm glad i hung on to see better things.

At the beginning of the year i had a mental health crisis. It was due to coming off anti depressants and starting back on my original one. However my body didn't seem to like it and sent me into a spiral of negative thoughts. My lowest moment was feeling suicidal and told to go to a and e. They couldn't help me there and my gp wouldn't see my until a couple of days later. Those were the longest days of my life. I begged the doctor to switch medications and then he referred me to the mental health service.

They wrote me a letter and declined to see me because i started this new 'miracle' medication. I begged for help and there was noone there. The people that should of helped me didn't. 

Luckily my new medication worked and i stopped another med which could of bern interfering. I've been mentally well ever since.

My year didn't really start until june, I don't remember much of the start of the year except for the mental health volunteers who I would ring at 5am because I wasn't sleeping. I also went to my local mind which is a mental health charity and have been doing a couple of their courses to leatn how to deal with my mood if it happens again.

Once i got my mental health sorted, it was time to deal with my nerve pain. I had to see a pain management specialist privately because the doctors were just giving me meds I couldn't even get physio. I ended up having nerve block injections in my spine which lasted a few months. My next step is to get the nerves burned. Hoping this will give me longer relief.

I've spent alot of the year really learning about myself and pain. Part of me thinks I haven't achieved anything but i survived and I didn't think I'd be here now.

Next year I really want to get fitter after spending three years not doing much exercise due to pain. I'm getting a new manual wheelchair so i want to build the strength up to push it.

So I just wanted to say I hope you all have a lovely Christmas wherever you are and how you spend it. I know it can be a difficult time of year x

On the Up

 Since my last post , things have improved massively.

I'm nearly 4 weeks on my new antidepressants and I've started living again. I remember that first week i went to see someone from the local charity MIND. i had nowhere else to turn as the mental health services had turned me down because of being on a new medication.

I went into the crisis cafe after realising there was no quick fix. Luckily i saw a lovely man who listened through my cries. I will be forever grateful to him in my time of need. He talked me through setting small goals everyday and i also applied for one of the courses they do.

I few days later, i came off another of my medications as it was possibly interefering with my medication. By luck I've been mentally quite well since.

Sadly I haven't heard a word from my gp. I was in a very dark place when i spoke to him and switched medication. No follow up to see how I'm doing. It's all very well talking about mental health but there's just not the services to help. I'm incredibly lucky to have supportive family and friends or I wouldn't be here.

I'm back in my craftroom and have been out abit with mum. Something I haven't done since last year. 

I still see my consellor who i have to pay for privately because i go through stages of grief with my other illnesses. I have Ehlers danlos syndrome and other conditions. I get frustrated that I can't stay awake all day and feel guilt that I'm unable to work. I go through stages of acceptance and stages of mourning what life could of been like.

Anyway enough of my chatting.Here's some embroidery I've been working on. I didn't get it finished in time for easter but like to think I'm doing it early for next easter 😂 It's helped me through alot of my mental health struggles x 

Unscramble my brain

 I thought I'd update my blog to get my thoughts out or rather unscramble my brain.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of suicidal thoughts

I don't really know what to write or where to start. So i will just write as my thoughts come. Last week and  for a few weeks prior my mental health hit rock bottom. I've suffered with mental health issues my whole life and it seems to be genetic. It was mostly under control with medication.

I changed medication in late 2020 due to chronic pain issues. This new one was supposed to help with that and depression. It took a while to get the dosage right or rather i never got it right. I was never far from my bed, which was more than usual.

I decided enough was enough in january when i just wasn't functioning as i was asleep all the time. I decided to stop taking them ( not advisable) but i was on the lowest dose. I lasted about 3 weeks until i had to go back on my previous medication. It worked for about 2 weeks then i was met with crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts. The doctor upped the medication and i lasted 6 weeks. Again great at first but slowly i was sleeping more and more. But now it was depression setting in and i didnt want to do anything.

Then the panic started, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep. I was pacing the house in my wheelchair. It ended up with me researching suicide methods for days on end. I was in a very desperate place. 

Luckily my friend took me to a and e who weren't a great help but they listened and tried to get my gp appointment sooner. My gp sadly wouldnt see my until two days later. Luckily theres a telephone support for mental health so I'd be ringing them at 5am just to talk to someone. 

My gp changed my medication after abit of reluctance. I have now been on it for 7 days. Its been a very long 7 days. I  have so many worries, what if it doesn't work, who will i become. My whole routine has changed because I'm no longer asleep. I don't have a routine. 

I'm writing this blog to explore ways of trying to find myself again, finding what i love again and how to live x