Stuck in a world of hope and fear

I'm sitting here in my hospital bed feeling very anxious and wondering how my life has got to this. The appearance of another infection in my Hickman line was very unwelcome news.

When you go on tpn, nobody tells you how mentally hard it will be. Tpn was supposed to be a new chance at life but instead all it does is keep me alive. I don't live I exist.

Going out into the world when I've spent so much time in hospital is a scary prospect. You are thrown out to cope alone. There is no help for the mental and emotional side. The feeling of living in limbo of when the next infection will rear its ugly head. I try and plan things only to have to cancel. 

There is no moving forward. I am stuck, stuck in a world of hopes and dreams that are overshadowed by terrible fear.

All I want is to book a taxi and go far away. Of course I would take my beautiful cat Mia with me x